


Laugh Away the Fear

by larry_my_life



Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Flashbacks, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Sad, Spin the Bottle, drunk, merlin has depression, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 02:26:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11139312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larry_my_life/pseuds/larry_my_life
Summary: Arthur's dedicated to find where the hell Merlin keeps disappearing to— since it's definitely not in the tavern. When Arthur finds Merlin's room empty, and Gauis no where in sight, he can't help to quickly go through everything in Merlin's room. It's not very prince like, he knows. But, Arthur's shocked when he finds what appears to be a crumbled-up suicide note.





	Laugh Away the Fear

It's mid evening when Arthur notices he hasn't seen Merlin since breakfast. Merlin was suppose to come to practice today, but to no surprise, he's no where to be found.

The thing is, Merlin has always been disappearing (sometimes for days) from his very first day. And really, the most agitating part is that Merlin is a poor liar.

'Tavern blah blah'

'Herbs for Gauis blah blah'

The funny part, Arthur believed him for the longest time. Arthur— the young Prince with wisdom beyond his years, had no idea his own servant was lying to him. Arthur believed Merlin’s lies for years, and seriously thought he was borderline alcoholic.

But, that was until he actually went to the Tavern to find that (1) no Merlin and (2) he hadn't been there for months.

Being angry, well, that was an understatement.

He stood inside the Tavern, blank faced, paralyzed in shocked. So Arthur did what his old man taught him best: drink and start a fight.

Arthur drank until he had the courage ((stupidity)) to confront Merlin.

By the time he was pounding on Merlin’s door, it was dark.

But poor, exhausted Gauis opened the door, squinting his eyes at the light, obvious he was just asleep before Arthur banged on the door. Arthur felt a pang of guilt for waking him up, but held his head up high regardless.

"I need to talk to Merlin."

Arthur forced himself into the room, stomping drunkenly up the stairs to Merlin’s room.

“—what’s wrong?” Gauis yelled behind him, but Arthur couldn’t hear it as he pushed Merlin’s door open.

Arthur wanted to scream at him, make him feel horrendous just like he did to him, to pun—

Merlin’s bed was empty.

Gauis yawned, his voice huffy, "He's not here."

Arthur froze at the door frame. _No, no no no no no._

“Where is he?” Arthur cried out, the heat heaving in his chest. 

“Is Merlin okay?” Gauis asks again.

_I can’t handle this._ Arthur thinks, beginning to shake. 

Gauis gently pulled Arthur away from Merlin’s door, silently bringing him to a seat.

"Is Merlin in trouble?" Gauis asked, taking a seat across him.

"No," Arthur blurted, then paused, "well, I dunno know. I have no idea what’s going on with him.”

“What do you mean?” Gauis asked.

Arthur didn’t want to tell Gauis this. He should only be talking about this with Merlin. But after so many drinks, he couldn’t help himself.

“He's been lying to me Gauis, for months."

Gauis raised his eyebrows, "About what?"

"About where he is. He says he's at the Tavern, but he isn't!" Arthur puts his face in his hands, "But he hasn't been to the Tavern in months."

Arthur looks up to Gauis, distraught that Gauis doesn't even look mildly surprised.

"And you know it too —" Arthur laughs hysterically.

"—How many drinks have you had?" Gauis interrupted

"Enough. I’ve had enough—you didn't answer my question," Arthur whines into his hands.

Gauis takes a deep breathe, "I know. I’m sorry Arthur, I never wanted to hurt you," he pauses, “but this is not my secret to tell.”

Gauis’ monotone voice fades in Arthur eyes, hearing repeatedly _"it's not my secret to tell"_ ringing in his head. 

Everything “off” about Merlin clicked immediately. He was hiding something from Arthur.

And for every reason, it stung.

Arthur’s chest physically ached, and after he left Gauis, he couldn't breathe. A knight caught him shaking uncontrollably trying to open his door.

Stabs and gushy wounds weren’t comparable to the pain and hatred twisted in his back and throat. Because this felt worst than Morgana turning on him, or his friends dying. Because this was Merlin.

_Maybe Merlin doesn't trust you._

Somehow, that thought stung worst.

+

The next morning, Arthur woke up with a thumping headache. The last person he wanted to see, with huge ears and a dirty red scarf, was in front of him, attempting to wake him up from his hangover.

Merlin seemed empty. Everything lively about him was sinking away, his face hollowed, his eyes dark.

Usually, on mornings like this, he'd ask what was wrong. But, he remembered bitterly everything Merlin was lying to him about and didn't speak a word to him.

This is how Arthur ended up in Merlin's room with absolutely no permission.

His first intention was to talk to Gauis, but when he pushed the door ajar to see if Gauis was inside, Merlin's door was shining in his face.

Shamefully, it didn't take much for Arthur to give in and search through everything in his room. Merlin's room was a mess, clothes and shoes sprawled across the floor.

There was nothing out of the ordinary. Merlin didn't own anything suspicious.

Defeated, and anxious that either Gauis or Merlin was going to find him, he was about to leave. Then, in the corner of his eye, he saw a piece of crumbled parchment shoved inside a pocket of dirty pants on the floor.

He bent down and grabbed the parchment, uncrumbling the paper. He straightened it out on his knee, recognizing Merlin's handwriting.

Arthur, quickly scanning over it, realized it was a letter.

_Gauis,_

_You’ve devoted your life to help heal the sick. You fix people with herbs and magic. But I know now that I can’t be fixed. I can't even take another breath without feeling disgusted I'm still alive._

_I want to say I'm sorry for taking my life, I really really do, but I don't have empathy left in me. I feel like I'm in control of my body but not my head. It's numbing, and the only emotion that seems to come out is anger._

_I don't know if I can die Gauis, and it scares me. I've already sent a letter to my mother saying goodbye. With every amount of gratefulness in my heart, thank you. Thank you for taking care of me and teaching me everything I needed to know._

_I don't know how Arthur will react. Please, please please take care of him._

—Merlin.

Arthur stares blankly at the paper, dumbfounded. He's paralyzed, completely gobsmacked at the note.

In disbelief, he reads it again.

And again.

And again.

For a long time, Arthur can only hear ringing in his ears.

_No— this can't be real, no no no no._

He feels dazed, almost disconnected to his body. Every angry memory drains from his mind, starring white-knuckled at the paper. The panic rushed in his head, and his feet move. He's running. He has to find Merlin.

Frantically, he runs through the castle grounds. Ever room has no sign of a red scarf, and no one has seen him since breakfast.

Arthur even runs to the Tavern, and no one has seen him. He runs to the lake, and through the forest. It's almost dark before Arthur can only think of one more place.

"Merlin?" Arthur chocks out, pleading, begging he's here.

Arthur is numb to every sound accept his pounding heart beat. He crunches up the note in his hand, breathing hysterically.

 _This is the last place Merlin would be in,_ Arthur thinks again hopefully, pacing up the stairs.

Please. Please. Please.

"Merlin?!" Arthur yells again, frantic.

Arthur smashes the door down, and by miracle, Merlin's staring at the sunset. Arthur almost cries from relief.

Merlin's eyes meet his, an unrecognizable expression fading from his cheeks.

Arthur's face drops, his eyes glassing, "I've been looking for you—"

"Arthur?" Merlin whispers, his voice rough and dark, confusion spreading across his face.

Arthur can't think. He's barely breathing. He has to know. "Why are you up here?"

Merlin hesitates, turning away from Arthur. He points to the sun, "I'm looking at the view."

Arthur wanted to scream. Merlin, instead of looking back at Arthur, rests his elbow on the castle, staring over the edge.

The light hum of the village hangs in the air, and a breeze breathes through Arthur's hair. Arthur's stomach twists, swallowing down the fact he _knows_ about Merlin's note. And he's right in front of him.

The happiness fades, and Arthur shivers. He stares at Merlin's back, and Arthur has to ask. He shaking in fear for Merlin's reply.

"What are you doing, Merlin?"

There's a long pause before Merlin tries to speak. His mouth moves, turning slightly to speak. Instead, a deep sob echoes from Merlin's lips, hitting Arthur like a brick. The sound thunders through the castle. Arthur can't feel his body. He can't do anything.

But Arthur's arms move, pulling out a folded note. He's fumbles, shaking as he unfolds the note.

"What is this?" Arthur cries.

—

**Merlins POV**

Merlin draws back from the edge, turning back to look at Arthur, dangling the note in his hand.

He knew it was going to be that. The note. His suicide note. Of all people, of anyone that would have found that, the least expected was Arthur.

Merlin shakes his head, not being able to stand to look at the note any longer. He thought about everything in that letter so carefully for weeks, but seeing it was terrifying.

_You deserve this._

Merlin feels like he's going to puke. He wipes his face, terrified. He can barely get the words out.

"Y-you weren't suppose to read that..."

—

**Arthur's POV**

Arthur's horrified. He's going to be sick. This is... this is.....

Merlin paces, wiping at his wet face.

"Please, please don't tell anyone," Merlin sobs, covering his face with his hands.

He'd heard that from Merlin before.

+

"Please, don't tell anyone," Merlin wearily threatens.

The prince wants to laugh.

"Tell people that my servant owns dresses?" Arthur laughs just thinking about it, "why in bloody hell do you have dresses Merlin?"

Arthur had a problem with going through Merlin's stuff whenever he was there. He figured if Merlin could do it to him, he could do the same.

So when he found one of Morgana's old dressed inside his pile of clothes, he lost it.

Seriously. Merlin jumped in fear from how loud Arthur snickered. Course, Arthur didn't know what the dresses were for; all of them used to save his life and Camelot. But good, charming, noble, but _not-so-bright_ Prince didn't know that.

So he laughed. Straight in Merlin's face. For 10 minutes.

Merlin begged Arthur not to tell, but Arthur always shrugged in reply.

But he never told anymore.

+

"What do you mean not tell anybody?" Arthur cries, shaking his head, leaving over the edge to look at how far down the fall, "you could have— you would've jumped."

Arthur grabbed at his throat, unable to breathe. "Why would you—"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

+

"How's he doing?" Arthur panted, glancing over Gauis' shoulder to attempt to get a look at Merlin.

Merlin had been sick for a week now, completely unconscious. Arthur’s heart sunk heavier into his chest when he met the smell coming from the room.

From all his years of being Prince, he'd seen death hundreds of times. During battles, there was always a stench clinging to the bodies; the smell of death.

Arthur's eyes watered, from the thought or the smell. His stomach churned. The smell of death was soaking into Merlin's body.

"He's–," Gauis paused, sighing, "not getting better."

Gauis let Arthur through the door, Arthur eyes following to the bed. And blimey, Merlin looks awful.

"Can I have a minute with him?" Arthur's voice cracks, fumbling over to Merlin's side.

Gauis nodded, backing out of the room without a word. He waits for the door to close behind him before he dares look at Merlin again.

  
Merlin would have looked like he was peacefully sleeping far away, but as Arthur neared the bed, his heart sank. Merlin was soaked in sweat, a pained expression lined in his face. His lips were swollen, faded blue and dead. Merlin's body was lifeless.

Arthur didn't realize how emotional he was until he felt his body shake in mortified fear.

Arthur snapped his gaze away, feeling the pain sink in his chest. _This is all your fault._

It was debilitating seeing Merlin so vulnerable. Merlin's once white complexion was discolored, obvious that he _was dying._ Arthur let out a shaky breathe, bringing a chair to the bed and sitting as close as he could.

The Prince outstretched his hand, pausing above Merlin's hand. _He never had the chance to do this when he was awake_ , he realized, staring at his almost dead, but for once, tangible hand.

He hesitantly grabbed hold of one of his hands, tears welling in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," Arthur sobbed, shaking uncontrollably, "Merlin I'm so sorry."

+

"You were never suppose to know about the letter yet," Merlin says, his chest heaving, begging that he could just disappear.

Arthur's numb. "I wasn't suppose to know about them until you died?"

Merlin opens his mouth, unable to say anything back. But he stares Arthur in the eyes, telling him what he needs to say.

_Yes._

"What happened that made you write something like this?" Arthur finally got out, "you use to be so happy."

Merlin looks up to the sky, blinking rapidly to stop the tears streaming down his face. "Yes."

"Yes what?" Arthur asks.

Merlin snaps. "Yes. I use to be happy."

+

"Gauis?"

"Yes, Arthur?" Gauis replies. Arthur's winces as Gauis cleans his wounds.

"Could you be nicer??" Arthur hisses, staring at the corner of the tent.

Merlin snickers. "It's not _his_ fault you're so reckless in your tournament fights."

Gauis gives Merlin a threatening look.

Merlin raises his arms, "Fine," he pauses, stomping out of the tent, "I'll just go busy myself doing something else."

Arthur and Gauis are the only ones in the tent, leaving only the sound of dripping water. Arthur's eyebrows furrow, staring at where Merlin left curiously.

"How does Merlin do that?"

Arthur suspects if anyone is listening in, they would guess he's referring to Merlin being fearless to talk back to him. That's because he is. But Gauis sighs, patting his shoulder.

Gauis knows what he actually means. That's what makes Gauis and Arthur so close; not even him and his father had that kind of bond.

"He's an amazing boy," Gauis says, rinsing out the cloth.

"I don't understand him," Arthur scoffs.

"He doesn't understand himself either," Gauis replies softly. "You two are very similar."

He gets up from his chair, Arthur seeing the age in Gauis' old face. He's known him since his first memory, and sees him more like a father than anything.

Gauis wraps cloth around Arthur's shoulder to stop the bleeding, stinking at his skin. Gauis faces him, Arthur heart beating in his chest.

"Merlin and you are both destined for greatness. You are one side of the coin, and Merlin is the other. Without each other, Camelot will fail."

Arthur thinks for a moment as Gauis packs up his bag. He’s almost outside of the tent before Arthur realizes.

"Wait!"

Gauis turns around and Arthur asks him, "What is that suppose to mean?"

Gauis smiles, shrugs, then continues out, "That's up to you to figure out."

+

"What's happened to you? Why are you lying to me? Me, of all people? Aren't we more than this?"

Merlin's stares at Arthur, mortifies. He's too scared to say anything. Anxiety creeps up his skin, wondering if he knows about the note he wrote to Arthur, laying on his bed.

He really wished he would have just jumped before this all happened.

Arthur's anger slips away. The sky is suffocating him, trembling in fear. His eyes darken, his chest straining in pain.

His voice cracks.

"I can't lose you Merlin," Arthur croaks.

Merlin shakes his head.

"I've hurt people."

"I don't care."

"I've killed people, Arthur."

_"I don't care."_

Merlin paces, "You don't get it."

Arthur urges on, "Yes I do."

"No," Merlin yanks at his hair nastily, "I'm a murderer!"

"I don't care."

"How can you not care!?" Merlin frantically yells.

"Because I love you."

The lack of hesitation hits Merlin hard.

+

The first time Merlin and Arthur kissed, it was a drunk dare by the Knights. They were in a bar, staying for a night, and Gwaine thought it'd be a great idea to play spin the bottle with all the local girls.

Gwaine had the bottles first flip, landed on a blonde, and made out with her.

Simple.

But when Merlin spun the bottle and it landed on Arthur, his face heated. The whole group shushed each other, not sure what to do.

"I'll spin again," he reached for the bottle, but Gwaine smacking his hand before he touched the glass.

"Noo," Gwaine giggles, "kiss him."

The rest of the Knights stirred uncomfortably, Merlin's face becoming bright red.

Just as Arthur was about to protest against it, all the local girls squealed.

"I've never seen two boys kiss before!"

"I kinda want to see it!"

"Just do a quick kiss."

"It's no big deal boys."

"Look how embarrassed they are!"

All the Knights shrugged it off and Merlin and Arthur scooted in the middle of the circle.

Good news for Merlin, he's a great kisser when he's drunk. Arthur looks like he's going to explode, but Merlin is smiling with a light blush, _super_ drunk.

Arthur forgets why he's in the circle until Merlin is pressing his lips against his.

"That's so hot!"

"Oh my gosh..."

"Don't let them every stop!"

The kiss is long and sloppy, Arthur drink spilling in his hands as he wraps them around Merlin's shoulders. Merlin breaks the kiss, backing away with a daring look across his face.

Arthur, completely flustered, grins back at him.

_That’s a lot more wet than I’d thought it’d be..._

When the bottle lands on two girls, all the Knights drool over them as they kiss gently for a couple seconds.

They play spin the bottle for another hour, Gwaine kissing most of the girls by the end. But all Arthur can think about is the warmth he felt in his chest when Merlin kissed him.

A month later, he had the same reoccurring dream again.

Kissing Merlin— not drunk this time.

Merlin and him never talked about the kiss since it happened. Arthur wasn't sure if Merlin even remembered it, for how drunk he was.

But Arthur was writing his boring speech in his boring room with his distinctive servant. Merlin was making his bed. Arthur couldn't keep his eyes off him, and Merlin wearily started to notice, giving weird glances back to Arthur.

Merlin fluffed a couple of his pillows, punching them up and setting them up on the bed.  
Arthur glanced longingly at him, bouncing the apple back and force in his hands.

"What do you do when you really want to do something, but don't know the consequences?" Arthur winced at the question. It was probably so obvious to Merlin what he meant.

"Well, how badly do you want this hypothetical thing?" Merlin offered.

Arthur blushes, "I don't know... It's more like a curiosity thing..."

"Once you want it enough, you'll be willing to lose everything to get it."

Arthur's smile diminishes right then. Arthur blinks for a couple seconds, before quickly excusing himself and realizing he can _never kiss Merlin again._ What was he thinking?

So he set some rules from now on.

Rule (1), don't kiss Merlin, Rule (2), don't think about kissing Merlin.

Simple.

Until Arthur and Merlin get drunk again 3 months later and end up making out in the back of the bar.

When Arthur wakes up the next morning, he bloody wants to die. Die in his bed. Never to be seen again. Because he can never look at Merlin again.

The best way to deal with it, Arthur decides, is to ignore it altogether.

He orders Merlin away with endless chores, because being in the same room as him makes him feel butterflies all over his stomach. He doesn't realize the damage he's doing until a week later.

"Go polish my shoes."

He stares blankly at the speech in front of him, wondering how on Earth he's going to be able to memorize this.

"What's your problem?" Merlin barked.

Arthur's eyes snap up to Merlin, and Merlin is glaring at him. Anger is boiling in his face.

Arthur's confused.

"Wha—" he starts, getting cut off.

"Ever since we kissed _again,_ you can't even look at me," Merlin says.

He freezes, staring at Merlin's blue eyes. Shame fills his chest, knowing he's right.

"It's like you hate me," Merlin goes on, Arthur shaking his head.

"No," Arthur gets out of the chair, longing to be close to Merlin.

"I thought you would hate me because I kissed you again," Arthur admits too.

Merlin folds his hands, glancing at the floor, mumbling, "That's ridiculous."

Merlin's backing away, his heart skipping in his chest. His back touches the wall and Arthur gets as close as possible to him.

Their eyes are locked, and Arthur cups Merlin's face.

"I want to kiss you," Arthur breathes heavily.

"Then do it."/

The kiss is awkward, but so so innocent that Merlin melts into the kiss anyways. Arthur's other hand presses against the wall, deepening the kiss between them.

The door creaks open.

"Sire—"

Arthur jumps back, flustered and red faced. He pretends like he wasn't just making out with his servant boy.

Gwaine laughs, waving at Merlin from the door.

"Gwaine," Arthur growls impatiently, thanking the heavens that if _anyone_ caught him making out with Merlin, _or a man,_ it'd be Gwaine.

"Hey Merlin," Gwaine almost giggles, smirking idly at them.

"Have you ever heard of knocking before, Gwaine?!?"

The Knight raises his arms in defense, "I won't tell anyone."

 _Good,_ he thinks, because he really doesn't want to stop kissing him.

+

"I love you," Arthur repeats, tears glassing his eyes. He reaches for Merlin, and he pushes him back.

He was going to kiss him.

"No matter how many times you kiss me, you can't fix me," Merlin's voice breaks.

"Okay."

"Then what are you doing? Stop pretending you love me to save me."

"I'm in love with you."

"Stop saying that," Merlin yells.

"I love you, Merlin."

"No you don't."

"If you die Merlin, I'll die with you."

"That's ridiculous."

_"I don't care."_

Merlin wants to scream at him. Tell him he never wants to see him again to make him go away.

"Please tell me what's wrong," Arthur pleads.

Merlin's face softens. He wants to keep screaming at Arthur. He wants to never let him in, he doesn't want to let anyone in. But he's exhausted, and as he's stares at Arthur, who's sick with worry. He doesn't want to fight anymore.

"I— okay," Merlin whispers, clenching his fists. He lowers his head, feeling the tears in his eyes.

"Let's get off here."

Merlin nods, Arthur wrapping his arm around him, going down the stairs. Arthur looks back at the roof before the door closes, watching the note float away in the wind.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are feeling anything like Merlin in this story, please get help.  
> It's always been a Disney thing that "the damsal in distress is saved by this guy" and it's not always true. Especially when it comes to mental illness. Arthur can't save him by being in love with Merlin, but by supporting him and helping him get help.  
> Mentall illnesses come in different forms, and depression is different for everyone.  
> I would love some feedback.  
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255  
> For deaf/ hard hearing: 1-800-799-4889


End file.
